And here I am.
On the positive side, I have moved in some way everyday. I sometimes have to talk myself into it and end up doing it late at night (like tonight) but I still do it. My diet has also been good. I've been under my calorie goals everyday since I began this journey and most of the time I'm not hungry.
And that reminds me of something I heard in one of my podcasts I listen to. Jillian Michaels has a radio show and something she said in her last podcast really stuck with me. She said a way to tell the difference between whether you were hungry or just having an emotional craving (anger, sadness, boredom, etc) was to pay attention to what exactly you wanted to eat. If you are craving healthy food (veggies, fruit, a real mean and not snacky stuff) then you were hungry. If you were craving junk then there was something more than hunger going on. I'm paraphrasing but you get the idea. So now when I want something when it's not a regular mealtime I ask myself what exactly I want and why. It seems to help.
Here's my week's recap, before I get anymore in to the deep thoughts (HA):
Day 35: 4 miles
Day 36: Weigh in day!
Starting weight: 196.6
Last week's weight: 183.4
Today's weight: 181.4
Total lost: 15.2 pounds
I also ran 4 miles :)
Day 37: Cross training day with my Biggest Loser DVD
Day 38: Valentine's Day <3 I went to an actual Ball! I was a little worried about my food but had decided in advance that I wouldn't let it spoil my good time. Surprisingly, I didn't go over my calories for the day and danced for the first time in almost 10 years! I felt confident of myself for the first time ever and was really shocked to see that I could tell the difference in how I looked:
Day 39: Ran 4 miles
Day 40: I worked my second job at A Rosie Place. It is a respite home for pediatric patients that allows parents to get a break from the 24 hour care of a medically fragile child and gives the children a chance to be with other kids and basically have a big sleepover. It's an awesome place. Anyway, it was quite physical. I was tired when I got home but I know I had to run. I did a 4 mile run that was progressively faster (per my training program). Oh I was cursing at the end! But oh so proud of myself, too :)
And that brings us to today.
Day 41: I was supposed to work but got called off. I went ahead and did my crosstraining instead of changing the schedule.
And now it's time for the ugly.
I don't know if I'm on track this week for weight loss. I realized today that I really haven't been drinking water like I had been since the beginning and I'm worried that may affect my weight. It stresses me out a bit worrying about it. I'm scared that if I have an off week I will lose my momentum, give up. That's been my M.O. in the past. I DON'T want to do that this time! I want to reach my goals. I just wonder sometimes if I have the capability of doing so.
I worry about our future, even though I know worrying will do no good. We have less than a month until T's sentencing and I hate the uncertainty of the unknown. What will happen to us after this is all done with?
I have been feeling resentful lately about this journey and the fact that I let myself fall so far before I started to do something about it. This sets off a chain reaction of self-pity and what-ifs. I envy all the women in their 20's and even 30's for starting now instead of waiting until almost 50. Sometimes I get so far as to tell myself it's no use to even try now.
And then I remember how I felt Friday night. Dancing without caring who was looking.
And I remember how my husband looks at me now and how pretty it makes me feel.
And I remember how it feels when I put on some jeans I haven't been able to wear in a long time and they fit.
I remember how all those things and more feel and I pick myself up and keep trying because I know in the long run I will be happy I did. There are only good things ahead for me, even if I gain this week. That doesn't negate how far I've come, nor does it mean I can't take it all the way.
